It was impossible to sleep in my cabin. The entire night, bang, bang, bang. Just a sleepless night.
AB Silver walked into my cabin and said, “I was about to wake you up, but you’re already up.”
I held my head and said, “Do you hear this constant banging? It’s impossible to sleep.”
AB Silver said, “I hear nothing.” He walked out of my room.
I could hear he opened the door from Eric's cabin.
AB Silver said, “You’re awake too!”
I dressed up and met Deckhand Eric at his door.
I said, “No sleep, huh.”
Deckhand Eric sat on the floor and said, “Don’t ask. I’m broken, my head hurts, my eyes.”
Chief Officer John passed by.
I said, “Chief, there is this constant banging; we cannot sleep.”
Chief Officer John looked at Deckhand Eric and said, “I’ll tell the deck mechanic to check it out.”
After everyone gathered in the messroom for breakfast, the Big Cook came out from the kitchen.
Big Cook said, “Motherfuckers. Eat pussy.”
Neanderthal AB laughed so hard he even cried. He held his stomach and said, “Fuck your mother’s cunt!”
Big Cook looked at Neanderthal AB and said, “Punjeta!”
Big Cook dragged me inside the kitchen and said, “Fucktard, no more spoon, only a drop of oil. Make eggs now, punjeta.”
I was surprised he knew the word punjeta. I started to wonder if he knew what he was talking about. I poured the egg on the hot pan and after it was baked, I flipped it so it was fried on both sides.
I gave the first plate to Bosun Lemmy and said, “Sorry I can’t fry the eggs my way, the cook said I can’t use too much oil, only a few drops, but I hope this will do.”
The crew watched as Bosun Lemmy split his egg with a fork and egg yolk poured on the plate. Bosun Lemmy tasted his egg with a smile on his face.
Everyone said, “I want one.”
“Me too.”
“As long as it isn’t raw, count me in.”
I asked Neanderthal AB, “How does the cook know the word punjeta, did you teach him?”
Neanderthal AB said, “I taught him all those dirty words, brother!”
Bosun Lemmy stopped eating and looked at Neanderthal AB.
I said, “But he is swearing, I never heard someone with that vocabulary. Like never ever.”
Neanderthal AB laughed and said, “The best part is he doesn’t even know what he is saying, brother.”
I said, “He doesn’t. Ok. That explains a lot.” I went into the kitchen and fried more eggs.
Big Cook said, “Only half crew one egg, others one bacon. Son of a bitch. You twat, big twat.”
I was nervous from sleep deprivation. I took the bread knife and came really close to the Big Cook. I waved the knife at my wrist and said, “Ok, do you know what you just said?”
Big Cook got all serious as he looked at the knife in my hand. He moved his head like he didn’t have a clue.
I said, “You just told me that I’m a son of a bitch. Did I ever call you motherfucker, dickhead, punjeta, or even mention your family, your mother, and father!?”
Big Cook leaned on the cupboard as I got close. He moved his head from left to right.
I said, “From now on, do not ever say those words to me, because I love my family and you will not tarnish them. Now do you understand what you’ve been saying all along?”
Big Cook nodded as he understood now that he crossed the line. I went back to prepare eggs and serve them to the crew. At some point, Big Cook stepped out into the messroom.
Neanderthal AB said, “Titty fucker!”
Big Cook looked at Neanderthal AB, just waved his hand, and went into the kitchen.
Neanderthal AB looked around and said, “What’s with him now?”
I said, “I explained to him that it’s not nice for him to use these words.”
Neanderthal AB said, “What? Why, brother?”
Bosun Lemmy made a fist and waved it in front of Neanderthal AB’s face. Bosun Lemmy said, “We have crappy food and if that wasn’t enough, you taught him to humiliate us as well. How about I fuck your mother and father right now?”
Neanderthal AB just moved away and left with his head down. Soon the crew went to their duties, time passed, and it was coffee time.
The crew was seated in a dark coffee room with no lights. Deckhand Eric was seated outside on the floor.
I asked, “Why are you all sitting in the dark?”
Bosun Lemmy said, “I already told it twice to the Second Engineer, to replace the light bulb, but nothing.”
Huge Motorman said, “He will never replace the bulb, he says it’s not his job, but the electrician’s.”
I asked, “Where is the electrician?”
Bosun Lemmy replied, “There is none. The company removed the position and gave the job to the Second Engineer, but he ignores it because, in his book, this is not his job.”
Marlboro Man said, “But he isn’t ignoring the extra bonus on his monthly wage.”
I said, “He has a bonus!?”
Huge Motorman said, “He is getting a part of the electrician’s wages. This will be a fun trip. We have some issues in the engine room, the crane bosun burnt, lights in cabins, etc. Problems will start to pile up, with a broom stuck up his ass.”
Deck Fitter said, “I heard he eats only chocolate spread with a spoon, no bread, no meat, nothing.”
Huge Motorman said, “Mommy cooked only fine food, she would remove grease and veins, cut it nicely for him. There is no one here to do it for him and every now and then he drops unconscious from bad nutrition.”
Bosun Lemmy said, “You can’t live on chocolate spread. What a geek…”
I sat down near Deckhand Eric and I said, “You okay? How is the work on deck?”
Deckhand Eric said, “I just don’t know anymore. Everyone is saying different things.”
I asked, “About what?”
Deckhand Eric replied, “They said in a few days we’ll be crossing the equator[1]. Bosun said to let him know when I see a line of chained barrels. Marlboro said that close to the equator we must hold on to something because the ship will bounce. The Chief Officer said to wait with a bucket on deck because a big wave will pass and I need to take a sample of the equator. Also, Silver told me to wait on top of a mast[2] with a stick so I can raise the power cables that we can pass.”
I laughed and said, “They are just joking with you, there is nothing out there physically. They do this to all new kids. My father warned me about this. They still didn’t send you to get a bucket of electricity.”
Deckhand Eric was surprised and said, “Really, they are just messing with me? It’s good that you have someone like your old man in this line of work.”
Bosun Lemmy came out of the coffee room and sent everyone to work.
For lunch we got 1 green sausage, literally a green moldy stinky sausage. Nobody touched it from the crew. As I entered the kitchen and was about to throw the sausages into the trash,
Big Cook stopped me and said, “No. Put it in the fridge.”
I said, “This is mold, rotten meat.” I threw the sausages in the trash.
Big Cook got angry and went into the messroom. He shouted, “Who no eat sausage!”
Bosun Lemmy stood up and said as he walked away, “You can eat this crap.”
The rest of the new crew who had nothing of their own but only this sausage also left the table in protest. They followed Bosun Lemmy. Big Cook jumped all over the messroom and collected the sausages and eventually placed them in the kitchen fridge.
In the evening after dinner, the crew gathered in the TV room to watch some movies. As I couldn’t sleep in my cabin from that metal noise, I joined them. There weren’t a lot of movies, which was strange.
I said, “You have only these movies?”
Huge Motorman said, “Don’t ask. Before there was a ton of movies, but the Captain got a new pack of movies and in the instructions, it said to destroy all old movies. He burned them all on the stern in a metal barrel. I mean, nobody does that, but he did, he burnt every fucking tape.”
Bosun Lemmy said, “This is just getting better and better: no food, nothing to eat, nothing to watch. The recreational room is also locked.”
Marlboro Man said, “Captain likes to keep an eye on us. Down there in the recreational room he can’t, but here, his office is just down the hall, and he is there every day until 22 hours. Then we all go to sleep.”
Bosun Lemmy said, “I heard that at 10 PM everyone must go to sleep, no loitering around.”
Huge Motorman said, “I know this looks bad, but before there was a Captain who would only allow us to watch a movie on a Sunday from 20 to 22 hours, and the best part was he would pick the movie. So sometimes you would get the same movie you watched last Sunday.”
Neanderthal AB started a comedy movie on the VHS player. It was funny, and soon the crew’s mood changed to relaxed, as for a moment, they forgot they were on this metal ship, sentenced to suffer. The crew laughed a few times louder, and soon, Captain Balding appeared at the door.
Captain Balding said, “Do not laugh, you are disrupting my work. Understood.” Captain Balding walked away.
I said, “How can we not laugh? It’s a comedy movie.”
AB Silver said, “Just forget it, kid, leave it be.”
Bosun Lemmy increased the volume of the TV and we mostly watched the rest of the comedy in silence, with our spirits down.
Captain Balding appeared again and said, “The TV is too loud, turn it down. I can’t concentrate.” Captain Balding went back to his office.
Marlboro Man said sarcastically, “Like he is doing something important every evening. He has no computer in his cabin.”
We continued to watch the movie and there was a scene in the movie that reminded me of stories from my father, how he had some crazy co-worker Bourgeon Gemma.
I said to Bosun Lemmy, “You know of Bourgeon Gemma, my father told me a lot about this guy.”
Bosun Lemmy said, “I heard of him. One time he stole a bike, and the police checked the whole ship because they had security footage of him entering the port. They found nothing. When we left the port, we raised the ramp and there were 2 bikes hanging on the ramp. They were dipped in the sea and hooked to the ramp. The ship departed and the whole shore watched bikes hanging on the outside of the ramp.”
Everyone laughed and Bosun Lemmy said, “Even when he was a kid, a prostitute took him to show him the works. After that he was in shock for a few years, then he went berserk for sex with girls of his age.”
I said, “I heard he had a photo album of every hooker and girl he ever slept with. One day his wife found it and burned it. When he came home, he smashed the entire flat.”
Some of the crew members laughed or listened carefully.
Bosun Lemmy said, “You heard that time when his wife sold his sports car from 1970. He grabbed his wife by the ankle and held her on the 8th floor through a window. He said: ‘Tomorrow morning I want to see my car parked in our space’. She said: ‘but I sold it.’ He said: ‘I don’t care, I want my car, or I will drop you, do you think I’m not serious?’ The next day his car was in his parking lot, nobody knows how she got it back.”
The crew laughed and Captain Balding was at the door again.
Captain Balding said, “I thought I was clear before, I want silence, so no talking.” Captain Balding walked away.
AB Silver said, “Go on, just talk with your lover voice.”
Bosun Lemmy just waved his hand.
I said, “Once he was renting a room in his place and a young girl was staying there. One night she came really drunk and he got naked and tucked himself with her in the bed. He didn’t do anything, he waited until she woke up. She was all disoriented and shocked, like, 'What? I don’t remember anything.' He said, 'We were at it all night.' She said, 'Really? Was it good? I don’t remember.' He said, 'We should try it out again so you can remember.' So, they slept together, and after a week her mom came by to visit her and eventually, he even got her in the bed.”
The crew smiled and tried to hold their laughter.
Bosun Lemmy said, “There was also the time he wanted to do some girl anal. He laid on the bed and she was on top. After they wanted to change position, she got up and her shit just ran down all over him.”
The crew laughed and Bosun Lemmy said, “She was so disgusted and flew naked from the room with everything dripping around, and this guy chased her through the hotel, all covered in shit.”
The crew cracked up with laughter again, just as Captain Balding entered the room. Captain Balding shut down the TV and shouted, “TV night is over, everyone to your quarters! Now! I said now!”
Everyone left to their quarters discontentedly.
The third night in my cabin brought no sleep. The constant metal drumming kept me up all night. My brain functions disappeared; I could walk and do things, but I didn’t know who held the steering wheel in my head.
At lunchtime, Bosun Lemmy gave me a foreign energy drink with strange letters on it that he bought from the slop chest. It tasted funny, like a chewing gum from my childhood that stopped being produced years ago. It helped me regain control over my body.
For lunch, there was a stuffed flank steak. The crew was surprised to see this much meat on the plate. Bosun Lemmy looked at the stuffed flank steak like he was angry at it. He cut open the stuffed flank steak only to find those rotten green sausages from yesterday.
Bosun Lemmy was furious and ground his jaw. “That motherfucker!” he stood up and raised his voice. “Stop. Don’t eat it. The meat is spoiled from the rotten sausages, you could get food poisoning.”
The crew who had these plates were shocked. Everyone cut open their stuffed flank steak to check what was inside.
Bosun Lemmy said, “Let’s cut it into tiny bits so he can’t use it anymore.”
Everyone who had the stuffed flank steak used their knife and massacred the sausage. As I was bringing the plates back to the kitchen, the Big Cook was angry when he saw the mutilated sausages. Some of the crew were even inspired to artistically show reproductive organs of a man.
Big Cook said, “Leave plate here. No touch. I clean.”
I didn’t even bother to try to catch some sleep as the energy drink ran through my system. Later, in front of the coffee room at 14:00 hours, Chief Officer John argued with the deck mechanic again. Bosun Lemmy stood at the door and clearly had a menacing look for Chief Officer John, probably to make him leave while the second coffee break was on from 14:00 to 14:15 hours. The deck mechanic tried to use a hair comb on a hex bolt.
Huge motorman looked at the deck mechanic and asked him, “What are you doing?”
Deck mechanic replied, “Chief Officer told me to check the bolt thread with a comb. I don’t understand how this works.”
Everyone laughed and Huge motorman said, “Not the hair comb, but a special tool comb for checking the thread size. Come with me, I’ll show you.”
I felt the energy drink fade away from my body.
Bosun Lemmy said, “Go to sleep, Jack, you look like shit.”
I nodded and went into my cabin.
All I remember in my cabin is that I threw myself on the bed. The next thing I heard was AB Silver, who shouted and tried to wake me up. He kicked my bed a few times. At first, I was a little disoriented.
AB Silver said, “It’s morning, get up.”
I woke up as AB Silver walked out. Realizing I had been knocked out like a log since yesterday, I remembered leaving after the second coffee break. I still heard the metal symphony on the wall, though I didn’t notice it while asleep. Perhaps my brain shut off my ears or heightened my deafness during sleep. My mind was so exhausted that I could probably have slept through a nuclear war, even if the bomb landed beside me.
[1] Equator - imaginary planetary line between the North and South Pole.
[2] Mast - tall arrangement of pole, erected vertically on a ship
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