I sat down at a pub for a drink of orange juice, and some stranger sat at the table next to me. I couldn’t ignore how he was eyeballing my leather pants. He was of average height, a little overweight, unshaved, and creepy. His white gym sleeveless T-shirt revealed a little too much of his unshaved, sweaty body.
Eventually, the stranger said, “Excuse me, are you alone?”
I replied, “Yes, I took a little time for myself. I’ve been babysitting a few new guys the last couple of days, and it wasn’t fun.”
The stranger continued to stare at my butt and whispered, “I would definitely babysit that ass.”
I looked at him with a confused expression on my face.
The stranger said, “Nice leather pants. Are you here on vacation or for work?”
I replied, “Work. I’m an officer on a car carrier.”
The stranger said, “You’re a mariner. There are a lot of men with you, right? No women on board?”
I said, “There are no women on our ship.”
The stranger’s eyes sparkled as he said, “You must get pretty lonely out there with all those men.”
I looked at the stranger.
The stranger said, “You know, I have an apartment nearby. You could come with me.”
I said, “No thanks. I’m fine right here.”
The stranger said, “But I’ll be going up there to take a shower, and you know, you could join me in the shower.”
I said, “As I said, no thanks. I’m not into men.”
The stranger said, “Well, if you don’t try it, how do you know if you don’t like men?”
I said, “Trust me, I know.”
The stranger placed a piece of paper under my glass and said, “Well, here’s my address. I’ll go take a shower because I feel so sweaty and hot. Maybe you’ll join me.”
I said, “Keep dreaming, pal.”
The stranger left slowly with a seductive walk, and the waitress waltzed by with a smile on her face.
I said, “That was interesting. Is this normal around here?”
The waitress laughed and said, “You’re the one in leather pants, Mr. Blue Oyster.”
I recognized she was referring to the Blue Oyster Bar from the movie Police Academy. I replied, “Well, bikers and Mad Max wear leather pants. For Blue Oyster, I would need a big mustache and a police cap.”
The waitress laughed and said, “Don’t forget the sunglasses. But no worries, we have lots of creeps around here—it’s a place for tourists. Lots of foreign kids looking for fun. Where there are kids, the creeps follow, to exploit them.”
An old man on two crutches exited an apartment building, and a bunch of small kids ran to him.
The kids spoke in elevated tones, saying randomly, “We go again.”
“Only fifty euros.”
“Come on.”
“I make you happy.”
“No, I’ll make you happy.”
“I’ll suck your dick for twenty euros.”
The old man looked at all the kids around him, then looked around and saw me and the waitress watching him. The old man quickly pushed the kids away with his crutches.
The old man said, “Shh. Move away. Not now.”
One of the kids shouted, “Don’t push me! You liked me last night! I made you happy! I can make you happy again.”
The old man frantically tried to escape the kids, but he was as slow as a snail with two crutches. The old man said, “Leave me be. I don’t know anything. Never saw you before. Beat it. Beat it. Ungrateful brats.”
One of the kids pointed his finger down the alley, and they all ran into that alley.
I looked at the waitress. She said, “Like I said, and the creeps follow.”
I took a walk around the city for the rest of the day and mostly saw a lot of perverts and old men looking at some teens in a creepy way. I entered a bar and saw a beautiful, slim woman with long black hair, wearing a red cocktail dress, crying in the corner.
I sat next to her and asked, “Are you all right?”
She said with a rough voice, “I can’t find a straight guy. All I want is a straight guy. I’m always surrounded by these perverts and creeps.”
I said, “Yup. After three days here, I can now see them coming out of the woodwork.”
She chuckled, looked at me, and said, “Why the leather pants? You look like a straight guy. You aren’t into sadomasochism or something like that.”
I said, “No, I just like leather pants, like bikers. They are very comfortable to wear, and I never sweat in them.”
She said, “I’ll take your word for it then.”
I said, “I don’t know what’s with this place and leather pants. I know I’m the only one wearing them here, but guys hit on me to go take a shower with them. It’s good to talk to a lady for a change.”
She looked at me with sadness in her eyes and said, “Could you ever be with me? Look at me.”
She leaned back, showing her beautiful body.
I was a bit confused by the question and said, “Well, I...?”
She said with a rough voice, “Would it bother you if I was a guy before? I must warn you, I still have a penis, but I’m a real woman.”
I widened my eyes and said, “Wait, what!? And you are looking for a straight guy!? I don’t get this place anymore.”
She said, “You see, no normal person wants me.”
She rolled back down on the bar and continued to cry. I just got up and left.
At the end of the day, I was feeling down after these events. I decided to walk back to the ship on a sidewalk near the highway, just to clear my head. A police car passed by me and stopped further down. As I walked closer, the policeman on the passenger side jumped out of the vehicle with his palm up to stop me, while the driver policeman flanked me with his hand on his holster.
I stopped, looked at them, and said, “What!? No Blue Oyster this time.”
The policemen looked confused, and the one in front of me said, “Your ID, please.”
I handed him my identification card.
The policeman said, “You are here on...?”
I replied, “Business.”
The policeman looked at me, confused, and asked, “What kind of business?”
I replied, “I’m an officer on a freight ship.”
The policeman said, “Oh, a seaman. You are headed for your ship. Do you have a seaman’s book with you?”
I handed him my seaman’s book and said, “Here you go.”
The policeman in front of me nodded to the officer on my flank, who had his hand resting on his pistol handle. The officer on my flank nodded back, adopted a more relaxed stance, and removed his hand from the pistol handle.
He said, “Never seen a seaman in leather pants. No one walks in this area, much less in leather pants.”
I said, “You thought I was some bad guy.”
The policeman from my flank said, “Well, yeah, you didn’t fit with the local tourist type. Why the leather pants anyway?”
I wasn’t in the mood to explain, so I gave him the short answer, “I’m a biker.”
The policeman in front of me returned my documents and said, “Ooo, you drive a bike, now it makes sense. Be safe.”
The policemen left with their car, and I walked for a while.
My brain analyzed all that I saw today, and I wondered why it couldn’t be like in the movies. Why couldn’t a car stop with a beautiful woman inside and offer me a ride? In a few seconds, a car stopped near me, and the door popped open. I was confused at first, but then so much happiness and disbelief overwhelmed me that a single thought ran through my brain, ‘This isn’t happening, it must be a dream.’ I opened the door and looked inside. There was a slim, bald man wearing a pink unbuttoned shirt.
I said, “It figures.”
The man in the pink shirt said, “Come on in.”
I just didn’t care anymore. I sat down in his car.
The man in the pink shirt asked, “Where to?”
I said, “To the docks straight ahead.”
The man in the pink shirt returned to the highway and said, “A seaman, huh.”
I sighed, “Yeah, yeah, lots of men, lonely, leather pants, and Blue Oyster. I’m not into men.”
The man in the pink shirt said, “Are you sure? You know we are better company than women. We don’t nag, and if you want to have sex with us, we just do it. No, ‘Oh, my head hurts’ or ‘I don’t feel good’—no women excuses. They are complicated; we are just on and off.”
I said, “Yeah, well, like I said, not interested. Anyway, shouldn’t you guys sense each other, boy moves or looks or whatever. I don’t believe I emitted anything in that way to put a mark on my back.”
The man in the pink shirt laughed and said, “No, I can see you’re straight.”
I said, “Then why do you bother me?”
The man in the pink shirt said, “Because here everything is open game. I have as many rights as a woman to go after you. Who gets you first, right? Speaking of which, do you want to come to my place for a drink and, you know, we’ll see what happens next.”
I said, “No thanks.”
The man in the pink shirt said, “You see, men are simple. With a woman, you would have to text me all day, take me to a restaurant, take me to a cozy living room, lose hours and hours. With me, we just go down to pleasure. No need to lose money or time or anything. I have so much money... look at my car. If I was married, she would spend it all, and when I would want to have some sex, she would say, 'Oh, my head hurts.' What do you say? Would you come to my place? We can have a meal or just skip everything and go straight for it.”
I said, “Just turn right here. That is my ship over there.”
The man in the pink shirt stopped the car at the dock gate.
I said, “Thanks for the ride,” and exited the car.
The man in the pink shirt said, “Hope I’ll see you around.”
I closed the door and said, “Not in this lifetime, pal.”
I walked back to the ship, and Frank was on the ramp.
Frank looked at my face and said, “That good, huh?”
I said, “I’m done with this place.”
Frank said, “Done, huh? Just like the ship. Everyone says how beautiful and lovely it is here on the ship, but they are either living in a different dimension or they are drunk and high 24hrs, so it doesn’t really matter to them.”
The next day we left the port. After maneuvering, as I checked all the safety labels in the superstructure, I noticed a room like a small office with a table. The room was filled with junk and three old computers. I took my time to clear out the room and managed to put together one working computer.
Cool Hand stopped by and said, “What you doing, Jack?”
I said, “I found this unused old office and managed to get one of these computers running. We can use this room for the crew. In that way, the crew will have a computer if they need it.”
Cool Hand said, “That is great, Jack. I’ll go tell the crew.”
Over the next few days, the crew was happy with this unused office. Some of them watched movies; others played some simple games. The room was a big boost to the crew’s morale. However, this didn’t last long; soon, Chief Engineer Sancho came to my cabin.
Chief Engineer Sancho said, “Third, who gave you the right to give my office to the crew?”
I said, “What office? If you’re referring to the unused old room full of junk that I cleaned up, it’s not your office. Did you forget we all arrived on the ship together?”
Chief Engineer Sancho said, “No. It was always my room.”
The CO also joined in and said, “No, this was my room. I used to do cargo plans there until the crew stole it.”
I said, “What are you two talking about? We arrived together, and no one used it since we took over the ship from the foreign crew. You both have offices in your cabins and computers. Just leave this room to the crew. You don’t need it, any of you.”
Chief Engineer Sancho said, “I’ll tell the Captain to sort this out because it is my room.”
The CO said, “No. It is mine.”
Chief Engineer Sancho and the CO left my room, probably to see the Captain. Soon, someone knocked on my door.
I answered, “Yes.”
Captain Vile opened the door and said, “The crew will no longer use that room. Understood?”
I said, “Understood, Captain.”
A few days later, at dinnertime, Tuco the OS brought me some food and whispered, “It seems the computer died. Since the crew was banned from using the room, it appears someone sabotaged it.”
I whispered back, “Well, now we can use it again to store garbage.”
Tuco the OS chuckled and left for the kitchen.
After the meal, I attended to my duties at the ship's ramp. I relieved Frank and oversaw the loading of cars. The CO was seated in a foldable chair on the upper deck, overseeing the cargo operations. The Deck Cadet was also on duty with me. The upper deck was hollow like a net, and below it hung numerous old and saggy tarpaulins[1] covering the entire deck. They were likely there to catch dirt from the cars parked above so that the cars on the loading deck wouldn't get covered in mud. I saw one of the drivers flip a cigar from a car as he passed by, and just like in the movies, everything slowed down. The cigar flew in a circular motion until it landed in one of the saggy tarpaulins. Within five seconds, the tarpaulin caught fire, and a ring of fire spread from the center.
I said, “Deck Cadet, this is your time for live-action fire practice. Take this extinguisher.” I pointed out a powder extinguisher, and the Deck Cadet brought it close to the fire. “Remember your training,” I continued. “Pull out this pin, aim the nozzle at the base of the fire, and press the lever.”
The Deck Cadet used the extinguisher and sprayed the fire.
I said, “OK. Now push the fire from one side. Just mop it up and advance until you sweep all the fire out.”
The Deck Cadet performed perfectly and was all enthusiastic. He shouted, “Woohoo, that was awesome.”
I said, “Good job.”
Behind me, I heard a splash of mud or water on the deck. I turned around and saw the CO vomiting from the upper deck. He fell back into his chair, clutching his chest.
Frank came to me and said, “What happened?”
I said, “One of the drivers threw a cigar, and you know the rest. We should remove this; it’s a fire hazard. Why are you back anyway?”
Frank said, “I came to look for my wallet.”
I said, “What’s up with the CO? We should check on him.”
Frank said, “He is just drunk. Didn’t you figure it out? That’s why he was sitting and OVERLOOKING the operations. More like sleeping.”
The CO, on a portable VHF radio, said in a drunk voice, “Fire. Fire.”
Captain Vile said on the portable VHF radio, “Fire? Where?”
I used my portable VHF radio and said, “There was a tarp on fire, but we immediately put it out. The Deck Cadet had the honors of putting out his first live fire.”
Captain Vile said on the portable VHF radio, “You let a Cadet handle a fire extinguisher? Are you insane?”
I used my portable VHF radio and said, “We all completed basic fire training. Some of us even have advanced firefighting.”
Captain Vile said on the portable VHF radio, “You have no training. What is the first thing you do? Raise the fire alarm, everyone musters, and then we make a plan.”
I said, “What the heck is this guy rambling about?”
I used my portable VHF radio and said, “By that time, the whole ship would burn up. Cars are like matches. If it spreads, game over. The first rule they trained us on is always to extinguish the fire if you catch it at the start, while it is small and we have control over it.”
Captain Vile said on the portable VHF radio, “No. We almost lost a ship due to your reckless behavior. I will write up a report on your file.”
I turned off my portable VHF radio and said, “I saved the ship and this is what I get in return—a stain on my career.”
Frank walked up to the CO, shook him, and slapped him. “You drunken lousy fool,” Frank said. “You know what we did to snitches in the special forces? Huh? I saw you every day hiding in the cargo room and drinking. You sack of shit, get out of my sight.”
The CO stood up and slowly dragged himself away.
Frank kicked the foldable chair from the upper deck, and it landed right in the pool of vomit. Frank said, “Deck Cadet, clean that up and throw the chair in the dumpster.”
[1] Tarpaulin – or tarp is a large sheet of strong, flexible, waterproof material, often used as a protective cover
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