The next day we left the port, and I was stationed on the bridge.
Captain Vile showed up. “Third,” he said, “it is Saturday. After your watch, take everything out of the lifeboats. Then clean everything, do an inventory check, and paint the lifeboats.”
I questioned, “Paint the lifeboats, Captain!?”
Captain Vile said, “Wasn’t I clear enough? Yes! Paint the lifeboats.”
I said, “OK, I’ll talk to the bosun later on to paint it.”
Captain Vile said, “Did I say bosun or Third?”
I said, “You said Third.”
Captain Vile said, “It seems you do listen. I thought I was talking to a wall.”
After my watch, I worked on the port and starboard lifeboats. It took me a few days to finish them up, for the paint to dry, and to return all the inventory.
Next Saturday, Captain Vile came on the bridge and said, “It is Saturday, Third. You know what to do.”
I said, “No, Captain.”
Captain Vile said, “Must I repeat myself? Take everything out of the lifeboats, do an inventory check, and paint the lifeboats.”
I said, “But I already painted the lifeboats a few days ago.”
Captain Vile said, “My order stands. If you don’t want to follow my orders, then I will arrange for you to go home.”
I said, “I don’t plan on going home anytime soon.”
Captain Vile said, “We’ll have this talk after a few Saturdays.” Captain Vile left the bridge.
Frank came in to take over the watch and said, “I heard you will be painting the lifeboats again.”
I said, “Somehow, I get the feeling I’ll be doing this every Saturday. What’s wrong with this guy?”
Frank said, “It’s just the way he is. He enjoys harassing people. It gives him joy, or at least I think he must get some pleasure out of it.”
I said, “Like Cool Hand would say, ‘Just Dandy.’”
In a few days, I managed to repaint the lifeboats. I noticed Captain Vile looking over from time to time at my progress.
At the next port, a sandblasting machine was delivered to the ship as we berthed.
I walked down to the ramp when I heard Cool Hand on the portable VHF radio say, “Captain, there are no protection suits for this sandblasting unit.”
Captain Vile said, “Why do you need a suit? It’s just a few tiny rocks; they won’t hurt you.”
I came down and saw Frank and bosun Cool Hand looking at the sandblasting machine.
I asked, “Why do we need this machine?”
Frank said, “We are heading out to a dry dock for repairs, and the Captain wants us to cut costs.”
Cool Hand said, “The fun starts now. What do you think? Double shifts. Sandblast everything, then repaint it.”
Frank said, “The ship will look like new when it enters the dock. They will give a medal to the Captain. NOT.”
I said, “I heard on the radio about the suit. Can you operate it without the suit?”
Cool Hand said, “I’m not sure. I’ll try putting on a few layers of pants, but I think it won’t help. The sand just bounces off and really stings you. We’ll see.”
I said, “Frank, I’ll just run quickly outside to make a call on a public phone.”
Frank said, “I’ll cover you.”
I left the ship and found a public telephone nearby. I called the main office and said, “Hello, this is Jack Tanner.”
An agent on the other side responded, “How may I help you, Jack?”
I said on the telephone, “I just wanted to say that I plan to fulfill my contract and maybe stay a little longer. Is that possible?”
The agent on the other side of the telephone said, “Well, of course. Changing a crewmember is expensive. Glad to hear you are willing to stay.”
I said on the telephone, “Just to be clear, when I plan to leave the ship, I will contact you. No one can do it in my name.”
The agent on the other side of the telephone said, “No problem, Jack. I’ll put a note here in the office.”
I said on the telephone, “Thank you very much.”
The agent on the other side of the telephone said, “Thank you, Jack. Goodbye.”
I returned to the ship. Later that day, the Deck Cadet and the Assistant Engineer went out. I was eager to hear how it went since my previous trips with Thongs and Jack Daniels had been mesmerizing.
The next day, during cargo operations near the ramp, I saw the Assistant Engineer. “How did it go last night?” I asked
The Assistant Engineer replied, “At the first bar, we instantly met a few girls and made a rookie mistake. We said that we were mariners, and the girls just packed up and left. They didn’t even say goodbye.”
I laughed. The Assistant Engineer continued, “I never saw anything like that in my life. Then we had a few drinks and heard of a place for prostitutes and went there. As we entered, they just lined them up for us to choose. After we chose, one of the girls started crying.”
I asked, “Why?”
The Assistant Engineer replied, “She said that she never gets to sleep with young men, only old men want her.”
Frank joined us and said, “I heard the Cadet is in love with a prostitute. He will marry her. She is an angel; she loves him.”
I laughed. The Assistant Engineer continued, “While we were sitting at the table, his girl used his hand and placed it inside her vagina. Then she took it out for him to smell, proving she was healthy and clean. From that moment on, he was in love.”
I laughed with Frank, and he said, “That’s good, but you should always wear protection. I know a guy who went out for some sex, and a few days later, he had a small lump on his penis that eventually grew bigger. When we reached the port, he went to the doctor, and they had to cut off his penis.”
I asked, “What did you just say? Like cut off completely!?”
Frank replied, “Yes. It had a lump on the outside, but on the inside, it grew, eating away the penis.”
The Assistant Engineer shivered and said, “All the hairs on my back just went haywire.”
Frank said, “You didn’t hear the best part. Last night, the Chief Engineer had female company in his cabin, and they just sat on the bed. He kissed her, and from that point, his memory was blank. He woke up, and the girl had ransacked his cabin, taking everything, even the wedding ring.”
I said, “Good luck explaining that to your wife: ‘Oh Darling, I lost my wedding ring. Huh, you know it happens.’”
The Assistant Engineer asked, “How can you fall unconscious from a kiss?”
Frank replied, “I heard that some of them use the tip of banana peels to make this poison that knocks you unconscious. They apply it on their lips before they kiss you.”
The Assistant Engineer grabbed his head with his hands and said, “What is happening? This all sounds like a bad dream. Somebody put me back in bed.”
I thought to myself, ‘This sounds more like a urban legend.’ Then I said, “That’s the real world, rookie.”
Frank said, “Too bad the Captain didn’t have this fortune, but maybe the girl wouldn’t have anything to steal except his red polo shirt and blue pants.”
I asked, “He also had company?”
Frank said, “No. He has a strange taste. Women must have a nose bigger and more crooked than his. The bigger the nose, the bigger the bump, the more he is crazy for her.”
I laughed and said, “Ok, back to work, guys.”
The Assistant Engineer went back to his duties, and Frank went to relax in his cabin. After cargo operations, we left the port.
On our voyage, I was once again tasked with lifeboats. I watched the crew struggle with the sandblasting machine. After a few days, I saw bosun Cool Hand throw down the muzzle and kick the sandblasting machine. The crew abandoned it and started chipping rust with hand pistols. It was a longer trip to the dockyard, and I spent a few more weekends on lifeboats.
The Saturday before our arrival at the dockyard, I was so frustrated that I went into the chart room on the bridge and painted the bottom of the pencil that was always placed in the middle of the logbook with red color. I returned to the radar, and Captain Vile passed by and entered the chart room.
Captain Vile said, “Oh my. Oh. What? Oh. Third, what is this?”
I stepped into the chart room and looked at Captain Vile, who was gazing at his red-painted finger as if it were amputated.
I said calmly, “What is it, Captain!?”
Captain Vile said, “My finger. Oh. But. Oh. My finger.”
I looked at his finger from a distance and said, “That looks like paint to me, Captain.”
Captain Vile said, “Paint. But my finger… paint.”
I said, “I don’t know. Maybe I didn’t clean my hands well with the paint cleaner, so maybe I didn’t notice I left a paint stain on the pencil. You know how it is; I painted every weekend. I got paint everywhere. Luckily, we don’t have paint on the radar or on the charts, or even the logbook.”
Captain Vile didn’t take his eyes off his finger and said, “But what am I going to do? My finger.”
I said, “I could get you some cleaner.”
Captain Vile said, “But that will burn my finger. Oh, my finger,” and left the bridge.
Later that day, Captain Vile called me into his office and said, “How could you go behind my back and contact the agent?”
I said, “Sorry, I don’t follow.”
Captain Vile said, “The company told me you called them that you wanted to stay until your contract is finished, and even longer.”
I said, “Well, yes I did. It’s my right.”
Captain Vile said, “I’m your contact for the agent. You go through me. You can’t call the company; you are no one. I’m the Captain.”
I said, “Well, thank you for clarifying that, Captain. May I be excused?”
Captain Vile said, “You should call them and tell them you want to go home in the drydock.”
I said, “No, I won’t.”
Captain Vile said, “But you look tired. I can see it in you. Go home.”
I said, “Nope, like I said before, I’m not planning to go home. I’m not going to breach my contract. Is that all?”
Captain Vile narrowed his eyes and said, “That’s all.”
The next day we entered the dry dock and in a few hours the ship was set. The dock was dry and the catwalk was set. I was on catwalk watch and saw the Deck Cadet with his luggage.
I asked the Deck Cadet, “Where are you going?”
The Deck Cadet replied, “Home. The Captain said he arranged for me to go home.”
I said, “But your contract is not yet finished.”
The Deck Cadet said, “I know, but he canceled the job position for the Deck Cadet. Like, Cadets are not needed in dry dock. I guess the company agreed.”
I said, “Well, take care, Cadet. See you around.”
The Deck Cadet said, “Same. Goodbye.” The Deck Cadet left the ship.
A company inspector climbed onboard. It was Mr. Cue; I recognized him from the stories I heard. Besides his baldness, he had a pale complexion, with thin, arched eyebrows. His nose was small and pointed, and his lips were thin. He was followed by some dry dock officials.
Mr. Cue said, “Take us to the Captain.”
I led them to the Captain's quarters and stayed outside. With the door open, I could hear the dock officials and the inspector discussing the plan of repairs that needed to be done on the ship.
The dock manager said, “This section we will start…”
Mr. Cue interrupted him and said, “Our crew will do this.”
The dock manager said, “Ok. Then this section here.”
Mr. Cue interrupted him again and said, “Our crew will do this also.”
The dock manager said, “Ok. On this plan we can see…”
Mr. Cue interrupted him again and said, “Our crew will cover this.”
The dock manager said, “OK. Now please explain to me why came into dry dock when the crew is going to do all the work. What are we supposed to do?”
Mr. Cue said, “We will have a talk in private, just the two of us.” He stood up and closed the door.
From that day, the crew worked 24/7 for a few weeks on various repairs on the ship. Everyone suffered from malnutrition. The crew was exhausted and frustrated. Finally, the ship was ready to do a watertight test. As the dry dock filled with water, so did all the cracks in the hull leak. I was stationed at the catwalk while the dry dock discharged all the water.
A young state inspector climbed the catwalk and said, “Do you have a hammer?”
I said, “I’ll ask the bosun to give you one.”
The young state inspector said, “The heaviest one-handed hammer you have, like a sledgehammer, only for one hand.”
I nodded and used my portable VHF radio, “There is a state inspector at the catwalk, and he requested a one-handed sledgehammer.”
Cool Hand said on the portable VHF radio, “Ok, one-handed sledgehammer coming up.”
In a few minutes, Cool Hand gave the one-handed sledgehammer to the young state inspector, who then walked down to the hull area. Cool Hand followed him.
Soon Mr. Cue showed up and he asked, “Where is the state inspector who asked for the hammer?”
I replied, “They are down at the hull.”
The hammer bashed at the hull and echoed. Mr. Cue’s eyes widened, and he stormed down to the hull. I followed him from a distance. Down at the hull, the young state inspector hammered the rotten plate every half meter in all directions. The hull ended up looking like a giant kitchen colander for pasta as he continued to hammer it further.
Mr. Cue shouted, “Stop! Stop! What are you doing?”
The young state inspector said, “I had enough of your games. After I’m finished with the entire hull, you will need to cut the entire rotten plate and weld a new one.”
Mr. Cue was mad and shouted, “This guy is crazy. He is demolishing my ship. What kind of garbage of man are you? This is private property.”
The young state inspector continued to hammer holes in the rotten hull and said, “The kind of garbage that you can’t bribe.”
Mr. Cue said, “This new generation will doom us all. You are all egotistic sons of bitches. You have no respect for the seniors.”
The young state inspector said, “If I’m an egotistic garbage man, I wonder what kind of slime you are. You are willing to leave the ship as it is with your people on board, just for profit. These are human lives we are talking about. Get out of my sight.”
Mr. Cue pushed me aside and walked away, filled with anger.
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