It was a cold winter day when a driver picked me up in front of my house to take me to my designated ship. My father had already been serving on that ship for a month. The driver arrived in a strange, ugly minivan. He looked like he hadn’t slept for a long time—his eyes were red with dark circles underneath them. He smoked a cigar, and his fingers were burnt. He had a narrow jawline and a slightly pointed nose. His eyebrows were thin and arched. His salt-and-pepper hair was slightly unkept.
The driver said, “You… Jack?”
I said, “Yes.”
The driver said, “I’m Allen. Hop in.”
I placed my suitcase in the trunk and reached for the door behind him.
Allen said, “No, sit in front with me. Come on, keep me company.”
I sat down in the front of the car. The car made a noise, “Bip, bip, bip.”
Allen said, “Wait.” He reached behind my back, pulled the seat belt behind me, and latched it.
I said, “Shouldn’t the seat belt go around me, not behind my back?”
Allen said, “No need, this way you are comfortable. Look at me.”
I looked at him. His safety belt hugged the driver’s seat.
I said, “But in case of an accident…”
Allen said, “What accident? I’ve been a professional driver for years. Never had an accident.”
I said, “I could’ve just stayed in the back.”
Allen said, “Nah… better you’re riding shotgun. This way I won’t fall asleep.”
I looked at him and diverted my gaze to his burned fingers.
Allen said, “Got this from cigars.”
I asked, “How?”
Allen started to drive and replied, “Oh, you know. You always keep a cigar with your fingers, and if you start nodding off, they usually burn you and keep you awake.”
I said, “Great. Nice to know.”
Allen said, “Yeah, all long-range drivers do that.”
I said, “How long till we get to the ship?”
Allen said, “About sixteen hours, give or take.”
I said, “Sixteen hours? This is with stops, or…”
Allen said, “Stops? What stops? We are going straight for your ship. The only stops will be for gas and more coffee.”
I said, “You sure you can drive sixteen hours straight? You don’t look like you’ve had much sleep lately.”
Allen said, “I think. Yep. I managed to get four hours of sleep. I think. Did a tour of eighteen hours before you.”
I said, “That's reassuring. Aren’t there usually two drivers if it’s a nonstop trip so they can change?”
Allen said, “Well, yeah. Usually I have some guy who jumps in with me from time to time, but it was cheaper this way. I get more money.”
I said, “So… you get the money if you deliver me dead or alive?”
Allen chuckled, “I like you, Jack. Do you know this singer?” Allen increased the volume on the radio.
I said, “No.”
Allen said, “It’s Cosy Lemon. You know, I used to ride sport bikes back in the day, and then one day, family happened. I placed an ad in the papers for my bike, and Cosy Lemon came. I said, ‘This is the bike and this is the price.’ Cosy Lemon said, ‘Can I take it for a ride first?’ I said, ‘Money first.’ Cosy Lemon said, ‘But I’m Cosy Lemon.’ And I said, ‘I’m Allen. Money first.’ Cosy Lemon said, ‘You understand that I’m the Cosy Lemon, a singer.’ I said, ‘You understand that I’m Allen, and Allen wants money first.’”
Allen took a smoke of his cigar and said, “There is one thing I learned in life: always get the money first. If I let him ride the bike before I got my money, for all I know, he could hit the first tree. Money first, then you can go to the demolition derby for all I care.”
I said, “Did he give you the money?”
Allen said, “Sure. He was just surprised by my attitude. I guess he always gets his way.”
I said, “Did he crash the bike?”
Allen said, “No, it turns out he knew how to drive it. Later, he took it to a local racetrack and had fun with the bike. He called me to say, ‘The bike is awesome.’ I said, ‘I know.’”
I said, “Great story.”
After sixteen hours, we reached the ship.
I said, “Are you sure you’re going to drive home? I don’t know how you made it this far, but I bet you won’t come home in one piece. Think of your kids. You could probably take a nap on the ship.”
Allen said, “You know, that is not a bad idea. Come on.” Allen parked the car near the stern loading ramp.
The ship was mostly a standard RO-RO, but on the top deck, it was able to accommodate containers. Inside the ship, there were big rolls of some cargo stacked on each other.
A man in maritime officer overalls came close to the car and said, “You must be the new Third Mate.”
I exited the car and saw a man who chewed gum with his mouth open. Somehow, he reminded me of those cowboy movies where they chew tobacco and spit everywhere. He had a high forehead and slightly gaunt appearance that was covered by an unkept black beard. His nose was long and slightly hooked. His thin lips were curled into a sly grin, and deep wrinkles around his eyes. The chest tag had the initials “C.O.”
I said, “Yes, I’m Jack. Nice to meet you.”
C.O. chewed his gum and said, “I’m Robert, your Chief Officer. Welcome aboard.”
Allen said, “Do you have a spare room where I could take a nap before you leave?”
I said, “He drove for sixteen hours straight. Best he sleeps for a while before heading back home.”
Chief Officer Robert said, “Sure, come on, follow me.” Chief Officer Robert led us to the pilot cabin. He said to Allen, “You can sleep here, and Third Mate, your room is the first door on the left. Well, get going. I’m going down to attend the cargo loading.”
I said, “Ok. I saw some strange cargo—what are you loading?”
Chief Officer Robert chewed his gum with his mouth open and said, “Paper rolls.”
I said, “Strange cargo for a RO-RO ship.”
Chief Officer Robert popped a gum bubble with his mouth and said, “True, but this cargo is awesome. They need a few days to load and unload it. That way, we have plenty of time to go on shore. Check these out.” Chief Officer Robert took out a small black napkin from his pocket and shook it off with his hand. The napkin turned out to be a black thong with a picture of a marijuana leaf.
This looked childish to me, and I said, “This is for a woman or a girl?”
Chief Officer Robert’s jaw stopped chewing gum, and he said, “What do you mean? It’s for my woman.”
I said, “I was just wondering how old she was.”
Chief Officer Robert said, “She is older than me, even has her own bar. I bet she will love these.”
I took a deep breath and said, “Well, I have to get settled in my cabin. See you later?”
Chief Officer Robert swung the thong around his index finger and said, “Sure thing.”
I went into my cabin and unpacked my suitcases. I got dressed, and someone knocked on my door.
I said, “Yes.”
My father opened the door and said, “I heard you arrived. How was the trip?”
I said, “Well, the driver Allen was a wreck. He barely made it here without falling asleep.”
My father said, “Allen always pushes himself too far. He was a professional racer back in the day. The guy should know his limits. Where is he anyway?”
I said, “He’s asleep for now in the pilot cabin,” as I walked towards the door to leave the cabin. My father tapped his hand on my shoulder and said, “Nice to see you, son. I love working with you.”
I smiled and said, “I love working with you too, old man.”
We exited the cabin, and a bald, bulky tall man with chiseled face approached us. He said, “So, you’re my replacement. Come, let me show you the ropes.”
My father said, “We’ll catch up later.”
I followed the bald relieved Third Mate to the bridge. When we arrived, I saw a small chartroom and a few pillars on the bridge.
The relieved Third Mate said, “You can see it for yourself. Standard bridge. In the back is a freefall lifeboat, and that’s it.”
I looked at him and said, “Is that so? Anything else you need to tell me about your duties?”
The relieved Third Mate smiled and said, “There are no duties, just have some fresh coffee ready for the Captain and amuse him—you know, hook him to tell you about his stories from the military.”
I nodded and said, “Is that all you did during your entire contract?”
The relieved Third Mate said, “Duh. Easiest job ever.”
I said, “Ok! Thanks a lot for your input.”
The relieved Third Mate said, “Two months will pass quickly, you’ll see. Then I’m back again as Third Mate.”
I moved my eyebrows and said, “But my contract is four months.”
The relieved Third Mate said, “I’ll just call the Captain and he’ll sort things out. Maybe they’ll demote you to able seaman or something when I come back.”
This didn’t sit well with me. I just looked at him and said, “Have a nice trip home.”
The relieved Third Mate touched the side of his forehead with his index finger and moved it towards me. Then he left the bridge.
I heard someone talking behind the door, and as I was about to go down, a big old man opened it. At first glance, he looked like an old Viking with pale skin. He was above average height with a big white beard and hair. His face was weathered and lined, and his eyes were framed by deep-set wrinkles. Dressed in a simple white T-shirt and blue jeans, he was barefoot. In his mouth was a slim brown cigar, like a medium-sized cigarillo, but it wasn't lit. He removed the cigar, which was soaked in saliva and fell apart. Spitting some cigar pieces on the floor, he said in a deep voice, “I’m Captain Stormbreaker!”
I took a more military stance and said, “I’m Jack Tanner, the new Third Officer.”
Captain Stormbreaker used a cigar cutter to cut the chewed part of the cigar and said, “Welcome, Jack. How about some coffee?”
I said, “I must warn you. I don’t drink coffee, so I don’t know how to make it.”
Captain Stormbreaker walked across the bridge and threw the chewed part of the cigar in the trash bin. He said, “It isn’t that hard—one spoon of coffee, one spoon of sugar, and some hot water.”
I scanned the bridge until I spotted the coffee mugs far to the right. I walked over and followed his instructions.Captain Stormbreaker sat on a bar stool tied to the helm’s wheel[1]. I gave him the cup with freshly made coffee.
Captain Stormbreaker tried the coffee, and his jaw tightened with a “Tsk” sound. He stood up and walked to the sink. “I must say, Jack. That’s the worst coffee I’ve ever had. It seems you really don’t know how to make coffee.” Captain Stormbreaker poured the coffee into the sink.
I said, “I know, Captain. I’m sorry.”
Captain Stormbreaker said, “Sorry doesn’t cut it. Now at least I’ll always remember you as the worst coffee maker ever.” While he made a new cup of coffee, I stood in silence, feeling like a disappointment. “Your dad made quite a name for himself in this company, Mr. fix-it-all. I wonder if some of his qualities passed on to you,” he added.
Captain Stormbreaker walked back to the bar stool. He coughed and said, “Damn cigars.” He sat on the bar stool and said, “They are like a woman—you can’t be without one, and you can’t live with one either.” He coughed again.
I said, “I see you don’t smoke the cigar.”
Captain Stormbreaker said, “No. Not anymore, at least. The doctor said to me, ‘Either quit smoking, or your next destination will be two meters underground.’ For me, it wasn’t about smoking. It was the taste. I just love the taste they make in my mouth. Strange, isn’t it?”
I said, “It is interesting. I rarely meet anyone with cigarillos.”
Captain Stormbreaker chuckled and said, “That’s probably because they are all two meters underground.”
I smiled, and Captain Stormbreaker let out a loud flatulent sound that echoed on the bridge. It didn’t seem to bother him as he didn’t react, but the stench quickly filled the bridge, making it hard to breathe. The mixture of rotten eggs and onion assaulted my nose and eyes like tear gas.
I tried my best to look unaffected and said, “I better go down and report to the Chief Officer.”
Captain Stormbreaker nodded his head, and I left the bridge in a hurry just to get some fresh air.
Even when I reached the main deck, I was still trying to catch my breath. My father was supervising the loading of cargo there.
I walked to him and said, “I just met the Captain.” I scratched my nostrils.
My father said, “And?”
I said, “Well, he just farted without blinking, and the bridge is now full of toxic vapors.”
My father smiled and said, “He does that a lot. Wait till you see the faces of pilots and port authorities.”
I smiled and said, “For real?”
My father gestured to a cargo loader to go more to the right. He smiled and said, “On one hand, he believes that you must never hold the gas inside because you will get cancer eventually, but on the other hand, he is old and full of pills, which is the source of his toxic vapors. Still, if you ignore that, he is a great Captain. He was an Admiral back in the day.”
I said, “He looks like some old Viking—even his last name is awesome, Stormbreaker.”
My father said, “He passed a lot of pilot tests for ports in our charter. I remember once we had to cover all windows on the bridge, and the Captain had to pilot through the entire way just using short-range radar. That man is a real Captain of the sea. He rarely takes on a pilot—just a few times when it is regulated that a pilot must be on board.”
Someone whistled, and I turned to see Chief Officer Robert waving at us. He was with a woman. They walked up the stairs together. As she passed through the door, he made a suggestive gesture by pulling his arms back and pushing his lower body forward. Eventually, he also left.
I said, “What’s with him and this woman? Earlier, he was showing me some thongs.”
My father said, “The lady is just using him to bring everyone to her bar. Every time he manages to get everyone over to her bar, they come back with empty pockets. He will never learn. Just stay clear of him and that bar.”
I asked, “Did the old crew leave?”
My father said, “They left. Speaking of the old crew, what do you think of the Third Mate you replaced?”
I said, “Well, I wasn’t impressed. It seemed he just talks a lot and does nothing.”
My father said, “He’s a real troublemaker, just sucking up to the Admiral with his war stories and not caring about anything else. A few times, he even caused big fights in bars. He would have a few strong drinks and then start looking for the biggest guy in the bar to pick a fight with. But it doesn’t matter. You’re here now. Just work hard and show them what a real Third Mate should be.”
I said, “Well, I worked with you since I was a kid. I remember those times: after school, helping you with work until 10 pm, sometimes with reflectors, then studying until midnight, sleeping, and back to school. You always said I could play after I finished my homework.”
My father smiled and said, “Fun times, right? My boy, you’re going to crush them.”
Later that day, the ship completed cargo operations and left the port at nighttime.
[1] Helms's wheel - a device used aboard a water vessel to steer that vessel and control its course
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